The sadness felt palpable, hitting me when I didn’t expect it. I had never really experienced the death of a close loved one before my mother so I’m not sure I really knew what to expect. Ironically, I had shepherded others through the pain of loss but that was the first time I truly knew how deep the pangs of grief could feel.
I knew I would feel sad, but I had no idea the crushing blow it would be to my worldview. Suddenly, there was a hole in my life and it felt like nothing would ever be the same.
In many ways, this pain has never quite gone away. I still wake up sometimes and wish I could call my mother and tell her what is going on in my life. I wish I could taste her home cooked meals one more time or talk to her about my hopes and dreams again. It hurts, even though it’s been seven years since her death. Whoever said that times heals all wounds was full of it, because grief isn’t something you get over; it’s something that becomes a part of your life, a constant teacher in the art of getting by.
No, the pain hasn’t gone away. Instead, what’s changed is me.
The grief is a reminder for me of how important my mother was and continues to be in my life. She wasn’t perfect, but I daresay I would not be where I am today without her. She believed in me and encouraged me to follow my dreams even when they seemed out of reach. She cherished little mementos I sent her along the way–postcards from my travels, photos of far off places, stories of interesting people met halfway around the world, and of course, my dreams for where the rest of my life may go. She only flew once in my life–to go to my seminary graduation in Chicago–but I think she lived vicariously through me.
Grief reminds me to cherish what I have because all things, of necessity, must change and all people will eventually die. Some may think it’s cruel, but there’s a lesson in it: learn what you can from those in your life so that you can become the best ancestor to those who come after you. One day I, too, may be charged with bringing wisdom to the table and reminding people to follow their dreams. If I do, it will be because I had good teachers.
It may seem cruel that all of us will eventually know the pain of loss, but I daresay that, without it, it would be really easy to take for granted the things that are in our lives. That’s not to diminish how painful these times are, but to celebrate what I have for as long as it is in my life. In the grand scheme of things, my life may not seem like much, but, against all odds, a person who is me now exists.
My charge is to be a good steward of what is in my life.